A life's figment ...

I don’t fancy writing about myself - coz it ain’t worth it.

But sometimes, I do have to. Need to get the “x-file factors” out of my chest. 

Looking at things around me going astray, and things that got out of hand off lately, I need to enforce my authority on my family to whatever length it takes. I need to move on with what’s left of my life as thinking and pondering over what has brewed over me for the last 30 years or so beckons nothing to savour.  My life is one tasteless journey, bitter to bits. I don’t have anything to look forward to except to a six feet by 3 feet rectangular box pushed into the furnace and engulfed to ashes. 

We all have problems. Me too.  Mine, sad to say is larger than headaches.

You see ... my late parents never liked me and this ain’t no family secret.  

My late mother never liked me as a person and kept family secrets away from me. As a son she felt it’s not worth telling me. My late brother was her dear pet but at 21 he took the last boat out of town into the afterlife. My late father, somewhat a racist like his father, began to hate me much later in his life for making him admit his mistakes.  In fact he should hate me for no father would like his son to chastise and despise his father’s race and creed. I know I’m to be all blamed for denigrating my father but then am I wrong to be blamed to vent my opinion of another that so a family member.

My elder sister was my late father’s pet right up to his passing. But along the growing up of us siblings, father began to hate my youngest sibling and thus my elder sister became his sole and only pet.

My late brother was another harrowing story. Both him and my late father were "CSI plus Law and Order." From dawn till dusk, it was police and thieves. Only my brother’s passing brought him to his senses on how foolish he has been. It was all too late by then.

You would have noticed everything here is briefed as late. Such is the “late” stage of my family.

As such was the scenario, I grew up with demons in the way of aunts and more aunts. Not much love and direction. In fact, I never craved anything from my parents or from anyone. I swallowed the bitter pill at a tender age never to ask anything unless given. I wasn’t a keen son / nephew / grandson of the family. The hatred over me was immense. Till today I haven’t got the faintest idea why.  The funny thing is I was always under the impression all this little little scourges were a blessing in disguise. Indeed it was. I’ve only begun to realize my childhood misgivings had actually made me into a better Frankenstein. And I’ve never fretted over that- not now and will never.  However, I do know I was the weird quiet solemn trend setter of the family. And even this did not go well with the adults of the family.

I was always against the grain. I can never understand why the abnormal can’t be a norm and normal. I was the one asking all the weird questions. I still do. This often irked my late mother like crazy. I couldn’t believe in religion. I was unorthodox with my ways and with my self –in school, exams, games, thinking, talking, eating and even sleeping. I always slept flat dead on the cement without any pillows. My forearm was my pillow and cushion. Not only did all of me not go well with my late parents but my late grandmother too.

Ohh! Talk about my late grandmother – long before there was tsunami, there was my grandmother.  End of story.

Imagine this -daily, I’m hated so much until I never knew what love is. I couldn’t grow love. Never knew how to transcend it either. I am now more of a Frankenstein.  Every girl/lady/woman I chat up with (apart from family members (most I hate anyway) and close friends), I begin to hate them after 2 seconds of chat and ensure they hate me back.  I apply Newton’s third law of gravity. Oh boy! How I love Newton.

But my mother, tho the ill feelings towards me, was a germ of a lady. All mothers are anyway.

So now, both my parents have passed on, and I’m now left alone with younger sister. The elder after she deemed us as "untouchables" I decided to sever all ties with her and her family. What good is a sister when out of the blue decides all must subject to her stupidity?

I mean what else can a misogynist Frankenstein like me do?

Over a short period in one evening, family values boiled over.  Hatred in every language and gesture known in my family were Frisbeed at each other.  Every one of us siblings screamed like steaming kettles. I for one was reliving my childhood nightmares with my siblings. I guess the neighbours were laughing at us. Sometimes it’s nadir to let pots and pans fly out of the house and to let neighbours know a world war zenith is taking place in my family. Embarrassing as it was but ... a family at war is a family at war. None can be done or said. End of story again.

I’m no saint. And I don’t want to be either but I need to show exemplary values to my growing nieces and nephews. I really now couldn’t care less for family ties or relations anymore.  Others may have their version of family-war, mine is purely simple and straight -keep all family values intact no matter if I’ve to face Lucifer itself.

I don’t want to instil fear into the future generation of my family - how good or bad they’re. I don’t want to see others live my life in front of me and grow into a gargoyle. It will make me cringe, burn and cry inside. No one SHOULD experience what I had.  Absolutely NO ONE.  

Mine wasn’t life no kid should know. I was spawned  like lava not life.

End of story. No more.